There is nothing average about toxic relationships or break ups! Recovery from interpersonal psychological and emotional abuse perpetrated by people on the narcissism spectrum (exploiters and manipulators) can take much longer than your average split.
Of course, there are many interdependent factors that will influence a survivor’s ability to get back to ‘normal’ life. Such things as:
- having children with an exploiter or manipulator;
- access to housing, employment and money;
- social and emotional support;
- the degree to which the survivor is suffering trauma or other mental health issues;
- the type of abuse (financial, emotional, psychological, spiritual, social or professional);
- the extent and duration of the abuse (if it’s ongoing or has ended).
Like any journey, knowing where you are on the road to your destination can help with motivation and persistence along the way. If we borrow the transtheoretical stages of change model, narcissistic abuse recovery can look like this….
Precontemplation
The target of abuse is unaware that what they are experiencing is abuse. They might know something is very wrong but can’t quite put their finger on what happened after the honeymoon is over. They might have taken on board the abusive narcissist’s version of the story – which is that everything is the target’s fault, and maybe they are the unstable, abusive, or alcoholic one (narcissists’ favourite accusations).
The target might be trying everything they can to rescue the situation by changing their behaviour, staying quiet about the abuse, denying there’s a problem. Meanwhile, they are drowning in blame and shame from the abuser. Worse, they might believe this treatment is what love means.
Contemplation
The target has realised there is a big problem. Maybe they’ve read about narcissistic abuse or coercive control and identified with it, but they’re not yet ready to throw the whole relationship out the window. They still believe there is some way to either cope with the dehumanising behaviour or make the abuser own up and change. There’s often a lot of wishful thinking at this stage in abusive relationships.
Basically, a target is starting to weigh up their options.
Preparation
When a target recognises that staying is causing enormous damage to their self-esteem, finances, mental health, or social and professional reputation they reach out for help. Accepting help from others can be hard, especially when friends, family and some therapists just don’t ‘get it’, or don’t believe them. (Couples counselling is not advised).
This is a difficult stage. Often, the narcissist will sense the emotional withdrawal by the target and turn on the love-bombing again. Narcissists have an unusual ability to figure out how other people think. They might even convince the target that they could never survive without them, that they are soulmates who are ‘meant to be together forever’, or that they should stick together ‘for the sake of the children’.
Targets can cycle back and back to this stage over and again before they finally make the decision to leave. This kind of ‘relapse’ is typical of abusive relationships – in love, families and in the workplace too. Targets can really berate themselves every time they stay/return and find that the honeymoon reunion only lasts a very short time before the abuse starts up all over again.
Action
If there’s a silver lining to working with professionals during the contemplation stage/s, it’s working out a plan for when and if the target decides to take action. 1800Respect has a planning checklist that can help confused targets think straight. Safe+Equal have an app for recording incidents of abuse that will later be helpful for targets to prove coercive control if they need to.
This stage of recovery can feel liberating for a while – recognising (and possibly escaping) the drip, drip, drip of invalidation, humiliation and dehumanisation often inflicted by narcissists. This can be where social support is crucial for seeking protection, negotiating with the abuser and preventing relapse. It takes enormous courage to make change, especially when a target’s self-esteem and belief in themselves is worn down to the bone.
If your family member or friend comes to you for help – please – believe them! Be patient with them. Be kind to them. Take care not to assume you know what help they need – ask them how you can help.
Maintenance
Targets can waiver back and forth a fair bit, questioning themselves and their decision to leave. But with time away from treading on eggshells every day, their agency and self-efficacy grows. They remember who they were before the abuse and they start to make real inroads to starting a new life.
The trauma of surviving a psychologically abusive relationship with a narcissist can leave deep scars, and the survivor can feel bitter or resentful for a long time. They can grieve the years they feel they’ve lost giving everything to someone else and neglecting their own needs. It’s not easy for them.
Starting a new life is challenging at any stage in Life’s Journey. Survivors will each recover in their own timeframe and their own way.
Professional Counsellor, MACA
LaMorte, W. W. (2022). The transtheoretical model (Stages of Change). Boston University School of Public Health. https://sphweb.bumc.bu.edu/otlt/mph-modules/sb/behavioralchangetheories/behavioralchangetheories6.html
Reisenhofer, S. A., Hegarty, K., Valpied, J., Watson, L. F., Davey, M., & Taft, A. (2016). Longitudinal changes in self-efficacy, mental health, abuse, and stages of change, for women fearful of a partner: Findings from a primary care trial (WEAVE). Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 34(2), 337-365. https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260516640781
