Maddawgs of Melbourne
Are all firemen shredded muscle gods?
When I joined lot of them were fat-gutted lazy bastards. It destroyed my concept for a few years. But the new generation are pretty good, they’re pretty sharp.
Ok so go for the young ones. Got it. What was a fire you went out to and were like ‘C’mon, seriously?’
Smoke alarms above toasters, seen plenty of those. Thinking back on my 34 years, and without getting in to too much detail, people had a lot of things erm, stuck on themselves. Eventually we get called in. We’re talking saucepans stuck on kid’s heads. There was even a woman who said she ‘sat on the tap’ in the shower, and we had to release her from that. The fire brigade invented a ring-cutter to get washers and other bits and bobs off people’s fingers. The record was SEVEN metal washers on one man’s appendage.
What about..
Oh, also there was another guy who had an ornate twisted fire-poker stuck somewhere he didn’t want it, he said he ‘fell over’ onto it. We had to cut off the remaining length of it so he could get to hospital to have it removed.
No cats up trees?
Yeah in the 90’s we had a CEO who was fond of cats, and he legislated in our response matrix that we had to go out to ‘cats up trees’ calls. I do suspect that some of the outlaying stations would get them out with a hose.
What was the hardest thing you had to deal with?
Car fatalities were awful. Traumatising. Kids are the worst. Actually, one of the worst things we have found were people that had got into water tanks above ground. Cooked alive in the bushfires.
That sounds awful. Can you…
Oh wait – once there was a guy in Brighton (former Mayor) who was a hoarder. It took us three days to find him in the ashes, because his house was solid with everything from beer to videos to couches lining the walls. Have you heard of a hangi? It’s a traditional NZ style of slow cooking. It was pretty much that with him in it.
Oh, that sounds awful. Don’t you have nightmares?
No I don’t but many of my compatriots have been affected. There is a dark side but there is far more on the bright side.
And now?
I’ve retired from being a firey. Now I’m a cartoonist for a local paper. I also build boats and classical guitars in my spare time. I’m also in the middle of writing a book about a cottage I built on the Gippsland lakes 20 years ago. I’m married to an amazing woman named Cherry who I met when running a pottery class. We were recently crowned King and Queen of Warrandyte at the annual festival. I was dressed as Henry the Eighth, she was Cleopatra, and we rode camels down the main street.
Are you going to the World’s 50 Best Restaurant awards live site count down in Fed Square happening next Wednesday? Kewl, see you there..
This weekend
Melbourne Food and Wine Festival @ Melbs (31 Mar – 9 Apr) – the time when stuffing your face and being drunk is celebrated by all. Outside of Xmas. And like, weekends in general.
Lord of the Flies @ Arts Centre (5-9 Apr) – Proudly sponsored by Mortein.
Melbourne International Flower and Garden Show (29 Mar – 2 Apr) – follow the smell of lavender, the blur of grey hair and the trail of those boiled lollies covered in sugar dust. You know in those lil gold tins. Yeah follow those.
Fed in French @ Federation Square (31 Mar – 2 Apr) – feed me like one of your French gurrrrrrrls.
2017 Yarra Valley Food and Wine Festival @ Yarra Valley (1-2 Apr) –people will celebrate food and wine in the Yarra Valley for the first time ever. Noooooot.
Otway 300 @ Otways (1-2 Apr) – led by Gerard Butler, 300 of the buffest men on the planet walk in slow motion for two hours straight.
River Graze @ Melb (31 Mar – 2 Apr) – bandage all knees before attending.
The Peninsula Picnic @ Mornington (1 April) – faded salmon chinos for the win.
Shady Cottage Music and Leisure Festival @ Trentham (31 Mar-2 Apr) – Slim Shady moves to the country, then eats a lot of peaches and cottage cheese.
Mr Stink @ Arts Centre Melbourne (1-9 Apr) – Lynx Africa makes its stage debut.
By The Meadow @ Bimbra (31 Mar – 2 Apr) – down by the meadow, beneath the willow tree, lay the most beautiful man, you ever did see. His hurr is long, his dark brown eyes, a huge broadsheet rests between his thighs. A well-read bae is the one to pash, provided, of course, I don’t end up with a rash.
Cerita Anak @ Arts Centre (30 Mar – 2 Apr) – think puppetry of the peen. But, like, without the peen. And with kids. So actually, don’t think Puppetry of the Peen… like, at all. Gross guys.
Andersons Mill Fest @ Smeaton (2 Apr) – can’t think of a joke, too busy drinking my water out of a wine glass #wednesdays
Melbourne International Coffee Expo @ Melbourne (30 Mar – 1 Apr) – Why are men like coffee? Cos the best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night. Thank you, here all night, enjoy the steak.
Bellarine Bounty: Tomato Celebration and Seaside Lunch @ Basil Farms (2 April) – wear sunscreen or risk becoming a tomato that ~isn’t~ celebrated by the seaside.
Eat & Drink by The Sprink
Ben & Jerry’s @ my stomach – I swore I wouldn’t buy anything at the petrol station on the way home. I swore it to my soul, as I pulled up to the pump and filled my red beast full of dinosaur-liquid-fossil-fuel (that is what petrol is yeah?). I knew I could resist as I walked past the ice-cream fridge. But when I arrived home, I found my body had deceived my mind, and a Ben&Jerry’s Cookie Dough has found its way into my hands.
So I ate it.
