Bugger Off Arthur!

Bugger Off

Recently a new man has made an unwelcome and unwanted entrance into my life, well to be honest he has been hanging around making a nuisance of himself for a few years now. I have always been quite vocal about not wanting anything to do with him, yet he will not leave me alone.

He has a reputation of being quite the lothario, latching on to women and men he has no shame. You might know him his name is Arthur Ritis and I wish he would Bugger Off!

I know old age is denied to many and I am grateful to have reached the age where I am now an official member of the Old Farts Club, but there is no denying getting older and trying to keep Arthur under control can be hard work. Once upon a long time ago, I would fly out of bed throw on some clothes and be out the front door at the crack of dawn for a five-mile walk.

These days Arthur wakes me at numerous intervals during the night making the crack of dawn unappealing for anything apart from the opportunity to roll over and hopefully go back to sleep. When I am eventually ready to drag my butt up and become vertical It’s always a painful experience seeing the old lady looking back at me in the bedroom mirrors, where have the years gone?

Apart from having to immediately deal with Arthur, it is obvious gravity has taken over, my boobs start and end their days looking for dropped coins. My backside has disappeared completely, if I live till I am 80 I will be sitting on my spine.

The first thing of the morning the smell of hot coffee permeating through the house leads me towards the kitchen. Different joints in my body creak moan or groan with every sloth-like movement I make down the hallway.

My thoughts are swamped with desire, and my mouth waters at the thought of being wrapped in coffee’s sweet embrace. I swear that first cup of coffee touches my soul and gets my mind off the fact I am sipping my liquid gold with ice packs strapped to my thighs in an effort to make Arthur Bugger Off!

Thankfully I have discovered a few tricks along the way to help me deal with Arthur Ritis and keep him at bay. Apart from the ice packs If my knees and hip are still playing hardball after my coffee I will have a half-hour soak in an Epsom Salt bath, it’s like the human equivalent of spraying WD40 on a rusty lock.

I have also found 30 minutes on my cross-trainer loosens everything and takes the stiffness out of my thighs.

3.9 million Australians have arthritis and by 2030 the powers that be predict 5.4 million will be suffering from arthritis in some form. I am one of the 62% of Australians suffering the most common form being osteoarthritis it can affect any joint in your body, mine is severe to moderate in both knees and one hip, I am also very suspicious about one of my toes sometimes the pain from that one tiny toe can get so intense I end up yelling profanities in five different languages.

From what I have read maybe becoming gluten-free 19 years ago and dramatically cutting my sugar intake two years ago helped to keep the joints running smoothly up until now. I know life would be much easier if Arthur Ritis would Bugger Off!

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